Author: C. L. Harmon

It is to be locked inside a cellar. There are noises on the other side of the door; voices and sounds of which most have familiarity. Sometimes there is laughter and other times only quiet. The silence though is most of what rings in this angular and hollow room. It is as an old friend who never parts from my side. It is the noises and the voices from outside this room that are guests at my door, never knocking.

I stretch my imagination to match up voices with faces that I have not seen, adding new features each time the voice utters a word or laughs or cries in the house which I do not see from my closed and locked room. It is to be kept company by what I imagine to be on the other side of the door. It is the hope I think that can only be known to those who understand that isolation has a place in every soul. It is a way of life in this cellar.

Footsteps from above and below on the opposite side of the door are directions on a map that allows for a layout in my mind of what the world beyond this locked door must be like. Each footstep is a marker in my mind as I hear them tapping the floor beyond the corners, on stairs, and down corridors. Some are soft as though made by tiny feet, while others thuddish and louder as though made by giants. There are faint images from the crack at the bottom of the door, but they are only shadows pierced by the light beyond them when others stand outside the door.

There is artificial light in this depth, but it is void of sunlight. There is little warmth from it. It is to be tempted with what is true and then tested with what is false inside this cellar of stone and repetitive echoes.  On certain days from windows outside this room, the truth does shine in as slivers from the gaps around the jambs. As minute as are the rays, I can still feel the warmth from them inside. It is far from me, but still, I know it holds no artificial properties. It is foreign and yet longing.

There is only outside and inside from this perspective. A door made of steel, wood or even cloth that separates one from another, one world from another. There are those who walk the rooms with both artificial light and sun and those who stand at locked doors imagining what that must be like. There are those who see a world that is with these bright lights. And there are those, who with candles in their minds, only imagine it with a flicker. This is what it is to know to a crowd can be a haunted place. This is what it is to feel a sharp wound from a dull knife. This is what it is to know depression.

For me, writing has always been a two-fold objective. The first has been to help people. The second has been to make a good living writing. Over the course of my career, I feel I have attempted to do both to the best of my abilities. As time has passed and realities such as paying bills, life’s many responsibilities, concerns like retirement income, health cost, etc. has become ever more important causing the second objective to take on a much more important role.

For many, many years, I never lost sight of my first objective. Through the financial lean times, I reminded myself that being able to write at all and helping others with that talent would be enough…and eventually bring the second objective to fruition. In many ways, it has when money would trickle in with a check here and there for an article when I needed the extra money to make ends meet. But it never reached the heights which I had hoped.

And of course, there have been the jobs at newspapers as well. But in Oklahoma, these are not high salaried jobs like they might be in a large city such as New York, Los Angeles or Chicago. Like most of us who want something that seems to never come, we want it more as time passes without it. So what happens at this point? What do we do about it when the realization sets in that what we thought would materialize by now hasn’t?

We keep on trying to make money! That’s what I have done. So I must come clean here. This blog, like writing itself, has been a two-fold objective…the same two-fold objective in fact. The idea of this blog was to attract people to my writing in the hopes that they would discover the many works I have written over my career and to eventually create a revenue stream from those works. The other objective was, of course, to help writers who feel as frustrated and lost as I sometimes do.

However, as time has passed without the results I desired, my focus began to move toward pushing the financial aspects more vigorously. In other words, the helping people objective is still present but only in the back seat. This confession, if you will, has come from the revelation that I wrote about in my last blog. From that, I learned that the most important action I can perform is to write, regardless if anyone reads it or not.

I write often about faith and trusting in God, but I don’t always practice what I preach. Like most who live life, according to a faith, I sometimes fail when the pressures of life begin to force me down and keep me there. But no matter how hard I am forced down, I still have a choice to help others even knowing that there may be no financial upside in doing so. This I believe is the best lesson I can convey in anything I write.

Maybe God will bring money or maybe He won’t when it comes to writing. But we all have the choice to write something that helps others.  In future blogs, you will see a deviation away from the writing aspect of this blog and see it becoming more geared toward life. It is time to put helping others back in the driver’s seat. I hope you will continue to read as we head into a new direction of exploration and expansion.

This week I had a revelation…and no I am not going to tell you what it is. What that revelation is, is not really important. But it’s effect on me…now that’s something to talk about. It has altered my belief system that has been in place for many years. I don’t call it an epiphany because it didn’t come down like a bolt of lightning striking me in the head, but more as digging a tunnel and finally breaking through to daylight.

This burst of daylight has forced me to look at things in my life from a different emotional perspective. Imagine that you view the world and how you interact within it a certain way. For example, you see yourself in the world as a fun, happy and positive person. That perspective causes particular insights and thoughts in your mind as a response to the image you see yourself putting out. Are you with me so far?

Now change that to image to a depressed, angry and negative person. What you see in your mind, that reflection coming back to you has obviously changed drastically. That type of altering in my belief system is the amount of change I experienced.

For reasons unknown to me, life will sometimes make colossal changes in our lives like placing a fork in the road of reason. Perhaps we are stuck on repeat mode listening to the same tune and God is tired of us listening to the same old song. Or maybe we are speeding off in the wrong direction and God pulls us over and writes us a ticket to allow us time to slow down and get the right heading.

Now let’s tie this revelation into my writing journey. My direction and where I wish to go as a writer has not changed. The importance to me of reaching my destination has not changed either. So what has changed? It is my position on understanding life that has changed. Simply stated, there is little understanding in this life. We are allowed bits of clarity as we grow, but never enough to make real sense of the big picture of life and existence as a whole. This fact has been a splinter under my thumbnail since I was a young adult.

I want to understand why things are the way they are! I want trials and triumphs to make sense! But it turns out that I am on a need to know basis with God…and God says I don’t need to know. Perhaps accepting the fact that the road I am on is a mystery is the understanding I seek. Perhaps the destination I long for is nothing more than a dot on the map of existence with little or no value. And if this is true and I knew it, would I work as diligently as I do to reach it knowing this? Or maybe, just maybe, reaching that destination holds no rewards at all because it was only a point on a cosmic map to give me direction so that I would know that God loved me enough to provide me with that point which allowed me a journey at all.

In conclusion, I suppose I have found that not understanding is the best definition for understanding. And acceptance of this supposition is the best revelation we will ever get to understand.

I have referred several times within this blog series about this entirety of the blog is a journey. The interesting thing about a journey is that you end up in a different place than where you began. As such, I thought why not apply the same principle in each blog I write. This way, I take you the reader and myself to a new place during the course of the journey.  I feel like this experiment of sorts to be a learning experience where discovery becomes a teacher to both of us.

I mentioned a couple of blogs back about answers from God often being elusive to me. I thought in this segment that I would write about those elusive answers because this is certainly a subject in which we can all relate. I also hope that along this journey that I might come to understand those elusive answers.

I recently got news of a very good thing that happened to someone whom I consider to be very bad. I would bet money on the prospect that those who voted him for this honor do not know even a fraction of the negative things he did to me and to the dream I was building.  Nor did he care for any of those who were ultimately affected by the destruction of that dream. There were many who were, I can assure you.

The news was like a knife in my back. Actually, though I hadn’t given it much thought other than the initial annoyance upon hearing the news. However, while searching for a topic for this blog, I thought why not talk about those who are out to kill other’s hopes. Writers, I think, face the dilemma of attempting to keep their dreams alive at least some if not all their careers. I mean, after all, even the devil gets his due. At the time this man was wielding deceit and poison to harm my interests, I was in a position to use the words I love so much to sink to his level of treachery and duplicity. I had the reading audience and the trust of that audience to make anything I wrote about him stick like honey to bread.

I chose not to do it. I know that words are one of the most powerful tools that humankind is given. Words can destroy a man’s life or save one’s just as easily. I simply walked away in a graceful manner from everything I had built when I realized that in order to save it or win I guess it could be called, I had to become worse than the man I detested for using such tactics. I had to be as weak and shallow as him in order to defeat him. To me, there is no victory in that regardless of the positive outcome for me.

So why did this man get his desired outcome? Why did God allow him to win? I don’t know. I have formulated a theory as to those questions though. People who continue to delve deeper into dark actions to achieve what they desire, do so because they always feel that they can rise above those actions whenever they choose. What they don’t realize is that they are not ever going to be given that opportunity as long as they feel as though they have the right to control the dreams of others. They continue diving deeper in their efforts to destroy unaware that they already have the hook in their mouths. They believe that those deceitful measures worked once, they will continue to work. However, once the devil decides he has let them play with the bait long enough, he sets the hook. At that point, there is no longer that freedom to rise to the surface.

This is where that man is now…being reeled in and too ignorant to know it.

I may not get all the answers I want. But I have gotten one answer…one more important to know than why a man got an honor that he didn’t deserve which doesn’t affect me in the least. I learned that when the chips are down and I am attacked by those willing to sacrifice their morals for self-satisfaction; I will always choose to rise to the top; above those who are not smart enough to know that the deeper they go the further they get hooked into losing their own control to the devil.

One main factor I considered when contemplating as to write this blog series or not was, will it help other writers.

I wanted my trials and triumphs to be able to give inspiration to others.

I wanted them to know that one can fight depression, work lousy jobs, feel as though their dreams will never reach fruition and still find hope in their desire to write. I laid the groundwork for this is the first several blogs.

I have been slowly transitioning into more constructive and positive aspects of my career over the past few blogs. I tell you this because having an end purpose in this endeavor is the same as having one in an article, short story or novel. In other words, without direction, one is simply driving around in circles and never reaching a worthwhile destination.  I want us all to reach our end purpose.

I am not a teacher of life or writing, but simply a man on a journey attempting to reach a purposeful destination while helping others do the same through my experiences. As such, I will often be driving around from topic to topic in what may seem an erratic fashion. However, as strange as that sounds isn’t that just like life. We all do this in our lives and in pursuit of our goals. There are always bumps in the road, potholes, fallen trees and branches, driving rain or some other type of hazard that impedes our progress.

We often feel as though we need to backtrack in order to find another way forward after a roadblock or running upon damaged debris in the road. At that moment it feels as though we are going backward, but if we look at the detour as simply finding a new way to continue moving forward, then we are not really backing up at all. We are still moving forward via new direction.

Like Thomas Edison said about the light bulb, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work,” we find 10,000 ways in which not to go again. There are countless ways to end up lost, but it only takes one route to discovery. The key is always knowing that there is a way to that discovery, to that fulfillment and success we crave as long as we keep moving forward.

I prefer to think in terms of winning and losing. Some days I win and some I lose. Perhaps I am just wired that way or maybe somewhere along the way it became a way of coping with life’s difficulties. Either way, it is what it is. I also tend to focus on the negative days a bit more than the positive. This may be God answering my prayers for humility which keeps me from patting my own back for my accomplishments. Or it may simply be the wiring again. The point I want to make here is that focusing on the negative can sometimes be a very good tool when it comes to the end dream.

When the road is littered with debris from a storm or some idiot is blocking my way, my resolve to succeed my way strengthens. Interestingly enough, I always find a new way to move forward. The message of support for you in this blog is there is always another way to move forward. The only true loss that can never be reclaimed as a writer is not reaching your end goal. Ahead of every bad day is the potential of a good day. You just have to keep moving ahead to reach it.